Since I don’t have anywhere else to offload my angst, I shall torture this poor blog of mine. Ever since 2009 started, my dad has been *extremely* worried as to whether I will complete my PhD at all. Before I launch head-on into things, let me make some of the background clear. My dad is my “manager” of sorts–I know this sounds actress-y, but hell, this is the truth. I do most of what I want to do, but then, he decides what I should not do. (And believe me, his rules are really ruthless, sometimes. Never amenable to reason, or requests or anything). Doesn’t mean I love him any less (he’s my dad, no one else is devoting so much of time and affection on me). Most of the time, I sort of blame it on his background, his immaturity and his many (always unfounded) fears. Things are much more complicated. But, this post is not about my dad. I use him as a point of reference just to say: He’s never doubted my ABILITY to do something. He’s always sure his girl will do what she wants to (even when he’s downright discouraging). So, (and here’s where the story gets into focus) when he told me yesterday that he had serious doubts whether I will complete my PhD at all, I was lost.
Why do my parents who believe that I am capable of doing anything, have fears whether I will write a 300-page thesis? They have this fear that I will never be Dr.__ in my life (which both of them are) and that I would be left out. For sometime I kept fighting with them, saying stuff like trust me and so on. Now, I have stopped saying. Why? Because I have started having the same doubts.
I have tried my best to keep myself distraction free. I have quit surfing the net (other than for research), Orkut, Facebook, replying emails, calling up friends, everything that was taking my time. Even let go of a couple of opportunities (teaching at a writing workshop, reviewing books) since I didn’t want to get into other stuff and lose focus. But, I am disturbed because ever so often I check the news. I am worried about what’s happening in Sri Lanka, I am worried about how people here are reacting. And then, there’s the election fever. For the first time, I don’t want to vote. That doesn’t make me any less hungry for news though. May be I should pack my bags and go to my dad’s village and sit and write out this thesis, but it is not feasible. Which means, I have to sit in this grumpy merciless Chennai weather and write. And write something that’s not beautiful.
Of course, I do plan to make my thesis hard-hitting. But then, the rules of academia in my part of the world prevent me from making it a lovely read. So, I am writing what seems like unreadable prose, and I am just letting it stay. And do you know how I console myself: Yesterday I read that nobody other than a researcher in the same topic as yours is going to read beyond the first three pages of your thesis. Which is really amazing. I finish my thesis, then I start convincing the world that there are really better things to research!
(By the way, this long post should be enough of stress-shedding for a week. I don’t want to add blogging to the list of my distractions. And, I want to be done with all the writing by June-end and the revising by mid-July, so that I don’t have to continue teaching next year. One year and done. That’s the way I want my career as a lecturer to be.)
Is this at Madras University?
Your father’s concern is natural. But you have youth full of vigour, ambition and what they say in Urdu buland Azayem (roughly translated great ambitions) with you.
As you are a poet, I just want to share a poem. Hope you would love it; cherish it and follow it.
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you are trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
When you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life’s race is full of twists and turns,
As everyone of us finally learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won, had he stuck it out,
Don’t give up, though the pace seems slow
You may succeed if you give it a go.
Success is failure, turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
You can never tell how the race will end,
A victory may lie just around the next bend.
So stay the course when you’re hardest hit;
It’s when things seem worse that you must not quit.
I have been reciting this poem off and on for the past twenty years. I have always loved to share this with my friends. Seldom I have come across persons who are not quitters.
But remember “Winners never quit; and quitters never win”
And I am sure you are a winner.
That’s all. Nothing more to say.
This entry resounds with me. Actually, let me re-phrase that: it resounds with my daughter, who uses my undying, blind faith in her as wind in her sails, but who is constantly frustrated that my faith in her abilities is only a safety net to catch her when she fails, and fail, she feels i believe, she will.
this is the age old dynamic between parent and child. so you are in a really crowded room there.
take care, and good luck with your thesis.
Don’t worry and don’t make anything distract you. I understand your plight as I was in the same shoes as your are, couple of years back. So don’t worry, your father must be tensed about some thing else or may be some one else is making him doubt your ability.
You have to deal with it and understand that these are all the tests to identify your pertinence and patience.
All the best for your thesis and keep us posted…
Ronin, no, it is the Anna University.
Azeez, Thanks a ton for that poem. My sister loves inspirational verse/quotes/anything, so these lines are right there in our bedroom. Except that, I fail to take sustenance from them.
Shefali, thanks. Parents are such a lovely mix of hope and pessimism. Always worried about how I will be, when I turn a parent myself.
Developingmyself, yes… the PhD is definitely a test of patience. I haven’t quit in the past two and a half years, so no point quitting now.
Thanks to you all for reading, and being with me.
An easy escape button to miss the trivial demands on the world may be handy, but that would make the journey, ordinary and the traveller, a passenger!
Your persona could make it only more complex, as the ingredients of your world are as well complex, and seldom have you displayed an act of failure! A quality player, because of his proven expertise would always suffer a very huge expectation, and your case is no different. Having proven at so many instances, it is hard for your parents, not to be expecting more, as the expectations were built by the understanding of your ability.
But ya, there are times that one wishes, “how if I could make people feel, that it is of the same importance to me and I am as well on the same path”! They don’t understand and it’s pointless in trying to make them understand. It happens to everyone and you just need to understand that Time would answer them. It’s just a phase, a tough one though! Just relieve yourselves from the hindrances and march ahead to your goal.
There are no doubts on whether you would succeed, for we know you! There may be hardly anything that you cannot do and if there exists some, I doubt if it could be done at all. All the best!