Tagged with family

Day Two and Three: Shillong

Since I love this dictum of Show-rather-than-tell, I am going to simply upload my Cherrapunji/Sohra pictures on facebook and not write about it.

Waterfalls at Cherrapunji, Meghalaya

Waterfalls at Cherrapunji, Meghalaya

The awful part of the trip was realizing how fragile my health is. First I was complaining of giddiness because of my low blood sugar, then I started feeling breathless because of the heights, then I said I was cold, and then, I refused to enter the caves there saying I was claustrophobic and on the way back, I broke out into rashes because of msg allergy. Wow! Nobody complained really, but trust me, I wasn’t overdoing anything. And this is the first time I’ve felt so weak in all my life. I just pray that such a lot of symptoms don’t rush in the next time I plan a trip to anywhere. On the way back that was the only appeal on my lips–God, please, please, please let me live. I am so far away from family should I die now.

We were back by round 1pm (we had started around 5am), and that was the evening of my reading. I skipped lunch, took avil and eno and lots and lots of water. That helped. That, and the fact that I love my life the best when i am actually reading before an audience. The NEHU girls were just brilliant and their reactions were spontaneous and everyone loved everything I read and that sort of cured me. That’s another kind of elation, really.

Enough abt me. Of those who read with me, I loved the poetry of  Nabaneeta Konungo, S.Joseph and Ravi Dravida. I hope Google directs you to some of their best poems.

Got back to the guesthouse, where I slept for a long time. Then, joined in a conversation about migrants in India, and Indian perceptions of the northeast, and integration and so on. Some insights were startling, as were some stereotypes. Will write on that later, in this blog.

Day Three: Said goodbye to all everyone around. I was leaving because otherwise the next available flight was only on June 6th and I didn’t want to overstay my welcome. So I and Joseph reach the Shillong airport two hours in advance, and begin waiting for our ATR flight to Kolkata that should supposedly take off at 1335 hours. It comes at 1835 hours. I already know that my connecting flight to Chennai has left. I reach Kolkata late at night, and begin begging the Air India guys to do something about me. I am joined by a bunch of Tamil men who threaten to sue the company, stage an agitation, and so on, if they are not sent back to Chennai immediately. The last flights to Chennai have left Kolkata, so we are told to leave the next day, by the late evening flight. No one agrees. The men seek a total refund. The men want to be booked on other airlines. I lack all energy to fight. The men give up on me. They leave me alone, make inquiries and realize there’s a Jet Airways flight early the next day to Chennai. There are 6 vacant seats and 4 of them manage to book themselves on it. Air India agrees to pay their fare. They come to me and boast about their victories, and say that if I had spoken up they would have done me the favour of booking me in with them. Honestly, I have no mood to fight. Besides, I can never act like that bunch of men: “We have an urgent meeting tomorrow. Our presence is highly important. What do you think you are doing? We want damages”

I find another non-confrontational soul. An Anupam Kher lookalike who missed his flight to Mumbai. Air India decides to put us both together to Mumbai, and then books me on a Mumbai-Chennai flight. I think my friends who fought arrived about 15 minutes earlier than me, that’s all.

Thanks to Air India, I get an All India flight. Shillong-Jorhat-Kolkata-Mumbai-Chennai.

On the plus side, Mumbai was the only airport I hadn’t seen so far, and thanks to all this drama, I am there. It is love at first sight with that airport. I want to visit that city just for the sake of that airport  : )

On the down side, this delay means that I keep sitting for 35 hours or longer. No stretching my legs, no sleeping. That kind of wrecked me even more, but I am not going to complain.

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Why having a younger sister is a very, very attractive proposition

Because, no one else in the world will come up such a careless edition of the Guide to Living. Today she had to take an important examination in her life. And here are some wonderful words of wisdom:

  • (In response to my amma asking her about how she has prepared for the exam): Well, there was no point studying at the last minute mom, because that is called cramming and I am certainly not sure how nicely that would turn out. I am sure the last days before the exam are meant to be spent in relaxation. (Then my mom comes up with something about how she hasn’t seen my sis studying anything anytime and my sis goes): Mom, what’s the point of reading this stuff days before the exam. I am sure I cannot retain it in my memory for such a long time. So, her mantra of preparing for the exams: don’t study. Cool, except that I never had the guts to even think on these lines.
  • Then, she came up with this caveat: Mom, do you think I will finish the exam in time.. By the time I shade my name into that bloody OMR sheet, I would have lost about a quarter hour. Other students get such a headstart compared to me. Don’t blame me for an incomplete answer sheet. You should have thought it through when you named me.
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Eat, Drink, Man, Woman

Reproduced from Tehelka.com

MEENA KANDASWAMY has an electric effect on rooms when she reads her poetry. The erotic content quite apart, the juxtaposition of her highly femme persona and the tartness of her observations always charges the atmosphere.

The late Kamala Das wrote the foreword to Touch, the collection of poetry Kandaswamy published at age 23. ‘Love and its politics inform my poetry. Caste atrocities happen most frequently because of intercaste love affairs.” A happy denizen of the Internet, 25-year-old Kandaswamy’s first short story The Suicide’s Inbox was the perverse unfolding of a correspondence between two women.

The daughter of a Tamil professor and a Maths professor at IIT, Meena has been always aware that even PhDs are not invincible armour. She chose to pursue a degree privately. “I knew I would not rest quietly if I had to suffer the usual caste slurs in college. Such a waste of time.”

Kandaswamy pins her dalit identity on the act of rebelling against any kind of oppression. She describes what it is like to live in a state with powerful dalit movements going back to the legendary Nandanar, who died claiming his right to worship Shiva: “Discrimination is sophisticated. Once a day — I’m not exaggerating — once a day someone will ask me whether I am vegetarian to figure out whether I am Brahmin.”

She avidly follows the media’s handling of dalit public figures. ‘People say dalits smell but when dalits stand for elections people say that suchand- such dalit’s perfume was expensive.” She has funny stories about the liberals left as well. “People exoticise our ‘sexual freedom’ as if dalits live in a nudist colony. I once met the editor of a left-leaning national newspaper. He told someone to verify if I was a dalit since I spoke English well.”

Kandaswamy says she wrestles daily with the biases of language in her writing, her PhD thesis and her rapacious translation of Tamil literature. She teaches English in a college. She blogs about local politics but is writing a novel set far from Tamil Nadu. Is this the life she dreamt of? “I dream of too many lives,” she replies.

NISHA SUSAN

From Tehelka Magazine, Vol 6, Issue 24, Dated Jun 20, 2009

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Book Review: Family Values by Abha Dawesar

(Both this review, and the following interview with the author were first published in i.witness, The New Sunday Express last Sunday)

SOME HOME TRUTHS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

With a plucky, precocious little boy as its protagonist, Family Values delivers some home truths about the illnesses that pervade Indian society. Narrated from the point of view of a child living a queasy, claustrophobic existence in an one-room house where his doctor parents practice, it simultaneously exposes the feuds that run within an urban family, and fraudulence that runs through the country’s administrative machinery.

Even as the little boy strives hard to strike friends at school and struggles for space in his home, he finds himself lost in the large-scale drama that enters his lacklustre life. His parents plan to expand their practice by buying a new clinic, so they drag him along on their visits to bank managers, lawyers, policemen, architects and astrologers.

Soon, the boy (who has so far entertained others only by names-dropping clinical conditions and talking about female monthlies) starts coming up with some shrewd observations. Meanwhile, there’s plenty going on in their extended family: his paternal uncles Psoriasis, Paget, Sugar Mills, Six Fingers, Poop and aunts Self-Sacrificing Sister and Pariah set out to find a bridegroom for his cousin briefly setting aside their squabbles for a share in grandfather’s property.

The novelist has painted a doomed story of sons who turn against their own fathers and grandsons who go astray choosing guilty pleasures — Sugar Mills’ son Flunkie Junkie is on the road to ruin with his drug addiction, Six Fingers’ son is a local hoodlum. Interspersed with this narrative are disturbing stories of missing children and multiple organ-theft at the Milkwoman’s nearby slum, the kidnap of an industrialist’s kid at the boy’s school and several instances of the police brutalising the poor.

In the risky intersections where the individual-and-the-particular meets the universal, we learn of a model-bartender being shot to death in a shady pub owned by an arms-dealer who has links to the ruling family who use their influence with the police to get the children-eating cannibals of a Delhi suburb get away scot free.

The boy’s family can’t condone these clu­msy happenings not only because it is all over the papers, but also because this arms dealer in question is the illegitimate father of the boy’s female cousin who is getting married. It is a mean and miserable world alright, but Abha Dawesar shows us that it is a small world too.

Unlike the characters who bear weird nicknames, the capital city, its streets and its suburbs are left unnamed and the author succeeds in her refusal to be specific. However, the novel’s monotonous and sparse prose style is capable of eclipsing the meticulous effort that has gone into producing it. One has to acknowledge that the slack-and-straightforward storyline, and the many stylistic innovations, successfully serve to maintain a small boy’s point-of-view.

This novel may take a great deal of time to read but to the novelist’s credit, forgetting its insolent (or in other cases, innocent) character-cast will take even longer.

In a society where it’s taboo to talk ill of family and an act of transgression to question its role as an institution of economic and emotional exploitation, Dawesar has displayed enormous gumption in spilling the beans about this constantly glorified system. Her clear and compelling voice will provoke any reader to have a fresh look at the so-called “family values” that are zealously upheld, but never lived up to.

INTERVIEW WITH ABHA DAWESAR

Why are men, women and children in your novel identified only by their quirks, deformities or excesses? For a novel where everything has been penned down in microscopic detail, why this decision to name no names, but only stick to epithets?

The first few pages came out that way and it made intrinsic sense to me. The boy is exposed to the adult entourage of his parents but he doesn’t necessarily know a lot about the individuals who are familiar to him. At least not in the sense that adults know about one another; instead he has an impression of them based on a fact or a characteristic he’s heard of. Once I decided to name the characters this way, it would have been jarring to have the city or its streets named either. The other day one of my cousins told me that his son refers to me as Macy’s bua because the last time they were in NY we had been to the department store and that’s stuck with him. It’s the way one looks at the world at that age. The microscopic details goes with the book, I don’t think that the book could hang together without them.

The story is seen from the point of view of a small boy. It is written in the present tense (which is too tiring at times). It shies away from using quotation marks, or dates. Much of the story actually revolves around the use of the family toilet, and personal histories are often little more than medical conditions. Why did you choose to deliberately overthrow aesthetic considerations?

There is a rigorous anti-aesthetic that informs every page of the book. It is the only kind of style that makes sense for the book. In all my work, style and content have been very closely wrapped together because I don’t separate form and content. The humour in the book too is very measured. It would have been possible and even easy to write this same story with a splash of colour that made it all entertaining and palatable and let the reader and the writer glibly sidestep any inconvenient questions that arose about the nature of our complicity in this system. That’s not the kind of book I wanted to write. The exigencies of writing in the present tense were a challenge as were the lack of quotation marks. Since neither was intended to be confusing I had to work through several drafts of the book. I learned a lot more about writing from this book than from all my other novels put together though many readers who were attracted to the more classic style of That Summer in Paris might find Family Values distilled and stark in comparison. But the book, not just in its content but also through the way it is written demands pause.

Babyji, about a desi Lolita, was so different in tone and theme compared to‚ Family Values. Why did you choose such a conventional storyline for your fourth book?

I disagree. The other day one of my editors in Delhi said Family Values was more subversive than any of my other books and I think he is right. It is an unflattering portrait of ourselves and asks about what is broken in our world. On another note, I think Family Values is as visceral as Babyji was sensual; I am talking here about disease and health in which are metaphors for the illness and health of our society but which are treated close to the ground and pinned to the flesh.

Sometimes the family is portrayed as a bunch of scheming siblings, at other times, it is the only saving grace and support system. As a woman, and as a writer, what is your opinion on the institution of family?

I think we are in the habit of glorifying the institution all too easily and as a writer my job is to burrow underneath the convenient notions of family values we like to pay lip service to. Family can be claustrophobic and it can stifle the personal desires of its individuals. It can also step up to support an individual in times of distress. There is a constant tension between these roles and we see the boy’s parents, the doctors negotiating these tensions. There is also another consequence of family ties that is deeply buried in the book the love of one’s own has consequences for a nation and its health. It is the root of partiality and nepotism and therefore injustice; the boy’s mother tells him this. Both the other boys in the family, Flunkie Junkie and Cousin are protected by their parents when they do wrong things.

The large-scale effect of this sort of partiality is to promote injustice and contribute to the larger scale problems we see in the book.

The fictionalised accounts of the Nithari killings, the model-bartender being shot to death, the arms deal scandal: events that have rocked the national capital dictate the fate of the boy’s family. Why did you take the decision to play with history and therefore flatten out the timeline of these events to fit just a few years in the boy’s life?

To an extent these events have become types of events, events we probably have seen before the ones this particular book is echoing and some of which we might see again in some form. The corruption scandals, I think no one needs convincing, are repetitive though they may repeat on larger or smaller scales, in state capitals or the national one. The time scale is fictionalised because the book is a work of fiction and as a novelist I am not interested in writing a journalistic account of the events but rather hearkening to what is in our common national consciousness. All that said, the nature of the horror and the injustice in the book are real. That, much to our shame, is not fictional.

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Piled Higher And Deeper (the first in the series of blogs where I rant about the process of writing my thesis)

Since I don’t have anywhere else to offload my angst, I shall torture this poor blog of mine. Ever since 2009 started, my dad has been *extremely* worried as to whether I will complete my PhD at all. Before I launch head-on into things, let me make some of the background clear. My dad is my “manager” of sorts–I know this sounds actress-y, but hell, this is the truth. I do most of what I want to do, but then, he decides what I should not do. (And believe me, his rules are really ruthless, sometimes. Never amenable to reason, or requests or anything). Doesn’t mean I love him any less (he’s my dad, no one else is devoting so much of time and affection on me). Most of the time, I sort of blame it on his background, his immaturity and his many (always unfounded) fears. Things are much more complicated. But, this post is not about my dad. I use him as a point of reference just to say: He’s never doubted my ABILITY to do something. He’s always sure his girl will do what she wants to (even when he’s downright discouraging). So, (and here’s where the story gets into focus) when he told me yesterday that he had serious doubts whether I will complete my PhD at all, I was lost.

Why do my parents who believe that I am capable of doing anything, have fears whether I will write a 300-page thesis? They have this fear that I will never be Dr.__ in my life (which both of them are) and that I would be left out. For sometime I kept fighting with them, saying stuff like trust me and so on. Now, I have stopped saying. Why? Because I have started having the same doubts.

I have tried my best to keep myself distraction free. I have quit surfing the net (other than for research), Orkut, Facebook, replying emails, calling up friends, everything that was taking my time. Even let go of a couple of opportunities (teaching at a writing workshop, reviewing books) since I didn’t want to get into other stuff and lose focus. But, I am disturbed because ever so often I check the news. I am worried about what’s happening in Sri Lanka, I am worried about how people here are reacting. And then, there’s the election fever. For the first time, I don’t want to vote. That doesn’t make me any less hungry for news though. May be I should pack my bags and go to my dad’s village and sit and write out this thesis, but it is not feasible. Which means, I have to sit in this grumpy merciless Chennai weather and write. And write something that’s not beautiful.

Of course, I do plan to make my thesis hard-hitting. But then, the rules of academia in my part of the world prevent me from making it a lovely read. So, I am writing what seems like unreadable prose, and I am just letting it stay. And do you know how I console myself: Yesterday I read that nobody other than a researcher in the same topic as yours is going to read beyond the first three pages of your thesis. Which is really amazing. I finish my thesis, then I start convincing the world that there are really better things to research!

(By the way, this long post should be enough of stress-shedding for a week. I don’t want to add blogging to the list of my distractions. And, I want to be done with all the writing by June-end and the revising by mid-July, so that I don’t have to continue teaching next year. One year and done. That’s the way I want my career as a lecturer to be.)

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Interview with Vasugi V. Ganeshananthan

Vasugi (popularly, V.V.Ganeshananthan was in Chennai recently to promote her first novel, Love Marriage. I interviewed her on one of my most maddening days (don’t even ask me to elaborate). And this was the first time I was actually interviewing someone in my age-group (that can be quite unsettling: you have so much of respect for their work, but the desire to be a fan is at war with your desire to be a friend, so you end up being neither), so I am not sure how this interview has actually turned out.

This interview appeared in today’s The New Indian Express, i.witness. (I was unable to find a link on the Indian Express homepage. However do check up the e-paper if you want to be doubly sure of this!) Do read the novel, it’s lovely. The review might be carried here in a few more days. Sometimes, I feel this review should be read alongside the interview, just so that things are in context, and everything makes greater sense. 

The average writer shies away from politics. What made you choose such a political theme like war to tell a family’s story?

People’s personal lives are affected by politics in any country, and at any time. I was aiming for a certain level of realism, and people’s personal lives don’t exist in a vacuum removed from politics or the news. 

Why do so many varieties of marriage populate the book?

I have written about marriage partly as a metaphor for choice. A marriage can involve two people—or a person and an idea, or a person and a community, etc. Here, the range of marriages shows the range of choices. 

I was lured by the fragmented narratives, by chapters that are, sometimes, three sentences long. Why did you choose this literary technique?

No one learns the story of their family in strict chronological order. People learn about their families in fragments, in bits and pieces. The currency of the family story is the anecdote. 

Tamils in Sri Lanka often despair that the roots of the war lie in the cultural genocide that is being carried out against them. Is this one of the reasons why culture is accorded such a place of prominence in Love Marriage?

I never sat down and made a conscious decision about culture’s role in the story . The story is about what is important to the people within it. I was just thinking about them. That said, Yalini is certainly interested in exploring her family’s history and its meaning to her. 

Do you think you would have given your novel a much different ending if you had written it in these turbulent times?

I am sure I would have. I started writing the book before the tsunami, before 9/11. I didn’t put those bits in until much later. Even the militant uncle didn’t figure in the first draft of the novel. But the characters ended up being affected by the world around them, which makes sense. 

As a responsible journalist, who’s once been the Vice President of South Asian Journalists Association (SAJA), how do you think the global media views the Sri Lankan ethnic crisis?

I hesitate to identify the global media as some sort of collective, and to make generalisations about it. That said, right now, there is a lot more media coverage on the conflict than earlier, and hopefully that is helpful. Of course, it is also hard to get information in these difficult circumstances. I’d like to see more American news organisations putting resources into covering international news, but unfortunately , in this economy , many media organisations have been forced to cut back. It’s a critical time for this kind of coverage.

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A return to blogging

After an immensely long, intensely painful gap. So, drop all your expectations of coherency and reason, and if you really care, just listen to me.

a) Was really, really expecting, and then excited over, the Obama win. I am still happy, and like the rest of India, want his success to be replicated by Dalit leaders. (Although I am still a little spiked over the fact that in Tamil Nadu, everyone of every hue (Vaiko, Vijayakanth et al) claims to “do” an Obama. Which isn’t wrong, but then, I am skeptical. And what do I dream from Obama? (I don’t have the right to expectations, yet I am writing this) I know he will do the greatest things for his nation, he’s proved himself even before he’s started. I just really wish that he will modify America where it matters most: foreign affairs. I know that to dream of the absence of American imperialism is just a wistful, wishful day-dream, but that doesn’t prevent me from dreaming.

b) The students movement for Eelam Tamils is going fine. Expect that everyone is busy with their exams till November end, and this isn’t the time to disturb them. Yet, lots of stuff needs to be done. Right now, I am in the midst of preparing a couple of well-reasoned pamphlets to distribute all over Tamilnadu. What we need right now is a better understanding of the Tamil issue. From all my interactions, I have seen that it appears to be a very emotional issue (people hate the idea of Tamil self-determination in Eelam, or they would die for it: no middle-of-the-road approach so far). I think December could get much more hectic, because we will be organizing meetings then.  

c) A close relative was very ill, and is now recovering and had to spend a lot of time. In taking care, in travelling. In the end, it left me with very little time to read, write, call.

d) Sheher will have to be out by the year-end. Believe me, this isn’t intentional. It is just that I got into issues that were of more immediate concern.

e) I will do a longer-post with more personal, professional updates shortly. As of now, I am in too many places: very fragmented, much more vulnerable. And here’s to those who haven’t seen me on email or gtalk: SORRY.

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Book Review: The Immigrant

The Immigrant
By Manju Kapur
Publisher: Random House India
Price: Rs 395
Pages: 336

SEX sells. Sexual dysfunction, as a plot device, tries hard and in the process makes use of an anaesthetic, a timer and couple-therapy. Apart from this single, sinful exception, Manju Kapur’s The Immigrant fails to offer any fresh insight through its tortured portrayal of an NRI marriage.

Nina Batra, an English lecturer at Miranda House, Delhi, immigrates to Canada after her arranged marriage to Ananda, a dentist in Halifax. But for a disappointing Professor-Student, May-December dalliance that is concealed from her mother, Nina represents the quintessential middle-class spinster in every possible aspect. The novel begins on her thirtieth birthday and with a grim realisation of her diminishing prospects. As banal as her surroundings, she joins her widowed mother in passively waiting for a marriage proposal. Daughter of a dead diplomat, and single-handedly supporting herself and her mother, it is to Kapur’s credit that Nina is made to maintain an air of dignity: this ensures that the penny-pinching isn’t reduced to a peepshow.

Set in the Emergency era, the novel is a laboured attempt to recreate India of the 1970s: forced sterilisations, money laundering, sloganeering, curfew and arrests. Or, in other words, an India that everyone wants to abandon. This is the India — where criticism can prove to be costly — about which Nina writes to Ananda. Halfway through the book and several letters later, Ananda flies in to India to finalise his marriage. It is from this point onwards that the novel loses focus and begins meandering. What adds to the tension of a different sort is the manner in which tense oscillates between paragraphs, sometimes, even mid-sentence.

A delayed consummation sets the stage for the disintegration of their marriage. Nina struggles as her husband moves from denial to acknowledgement and action. The discontented protagonist dabbles with feminism and co-counselling, but her arguments reach the heights of academic pretension. She finds Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex too western, and she takes pains to point out that woman is not a universal category. As a relatively new immigrant, she is also weighed down by the necessity to blend in by eating meat and wearing western clothes. Pushed into the servility of staying at home and denied a life outside of marriage, she has to console herself that planning the weekly menu together secures the future in a way in which sex never can. Meanwhile, to cover-up/cure his inadequacy Ananda secretly undertakes sex-therapy.

After successfully ‘proving’ himself with a surrogate, Ananda becomes the insensitive, straying husband, and after a string of one-night stands, takes on a young, white mistress. As Ananda-Amanda (Andy-Mandy, if you will), kick up a storm, Nina too gives into her spirit of adventure, signing up for a library science course, and getting herself an admirer. Though both spouses enter into extramarital affairs, it is unfair and unfortunate that it is the woman who ends up ‘punished’ (read raped by her rakish lover). Though the delayed climax, replete with the discovery of a blonde hair on the bed, is highly predictable, there is an element of anxiety in the narrative that makes it easy for the reader to feel for the protagonists.

The Indian middle class family is a safe, familiar territory and Manju tells this cliché-ridden story with tenderness and empathy never reducing any character to a caricature. Themed on distance and its effect on identity, The Immigrant is an interesting read if one wants to know the long way today’s global Indian has come. Despite its weaknesses, this book of fiction is bound to work precisely because it telegraphs the message that in the process of self-reinvention, Anywhere can be home

First published in the Sunday mag of The New Indian Express. You can read the online version here.

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Why wait

Heck, I put away blogging for these many days, because I thought I could wait awhile and give you the good news of having got a job. But, it isn’t so sure yet, and I am scared if I don’t the job through some twist of fate or whatever, so I kept waiting till I got the announcement. But looks like the University isn’t just going to fill this one post in my department, but 150+ posts, so it is going to be a long, drawn-out procedure (Which is exactly why I hate universities). The only way in which I keep my impatient self happy is by reminding myself that the classes for the freshers has to start on 08/08/08, and by then they should have these teachers in place, which means I will have to wait for only twenty or more days at the maximum.

Everyone in my department tells me that the job’s all there for me, and so on, and I am buying into it. This time, I have decided to be shamelessly optimistic. I will write in detail about my interview experience once I know for sure if I have/n’t got the job.

Yet, there’s one thing I am very, very, very sure of. That finally, finally, I have secured respect in my parents’ eyes. Their eyes are shining in a way I haven’t seen anything sparkle. Both of them are into academics, both of them are the best-loved teachers I have seen, and this (my entering academics, as a lecturer) must have been what their best dreams are made of. I don’t know if it’s the safety, or the security, or the fact that their blithe-spirit-of-a-daughter has decided to settle into something. Personally, I am very happy for them. And I am also quite cheerful for myself. The reason? This is the FIRST time in my whole goddamn life that I am doing something which the world approves of and endorses. This is the first time that I don’t have to explain myself hoarse or wear a mask of fake apology for the choices I have made. This is the first time that I feel have earned a semblance of respectability, precisely because I happen to be just like all the others. Part of a herd. Fade in, fit there.

: )

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The Emergency, remembered

It’s early in the morning, and dad fetched the daily newspaper for me. and then we read that it is 33 years since the infamous Emergency. All that I know about it is what I have read in various books, newspapers and magazines.

Not so for appa.

He was jailed then and spent nearly a year in Chennai’s Central Prison. He was as old as I am now. Twenty-three years and some odd months. He tells me he was the youngest among those who were arrested. He was a sub-editor of a Tamil magazine. Their press was seized, they had to throw all their copies, books, documents into a well, but they couldn’t escape. He wasn’t married, and he had no dreams of marrying. Ever. He was a migrant in this city of lost dreams. He was raw and fresh: he tells me only Chennai taught him the difference between tea and coffee. His parents never knew of his arrest, they never knew about the subsequent release. They probably never even knew about the Emergency. He subsisted with strange faith and the friendship of those who shared the same ideas. He too wrote poems.

Thirty-three years later, he’s on the other side of the divide. He sees his involvement as the product of the times: that he was where he was wanted then. And he tells me, he is where he is needed now. Maybe discrimination pushed him to make the choices he made. Maybe ideology. One never knows.

All that I can safely say is that inspite of all my misunderstanding with him, all his impossible rules and stifling parenting, I idolize him. If all this is possible for me today, it is because of the struggles that my appa waged in his life. Moving to the big city from an anonymous village. Thriving on the compassion of strangers. Marrying far above his status and then stomaching all the insults that came his way. Sacrificing without making any bit of noise about it.

He is one of the reasons why I never feel satisfied with myself, or the work I am putting in. A lot of people think I have come a long way for a girl in her early twenties, but heck, no. I know I battle casteism ( or at least its subtle machinations which somehow ensures that people like me are weeded out), I battle people’s assumptions about my gender, I battle a very low sense of self. Yet, I had ultra-educated parents, the privilege of an English education, the comfort of a family. Not so for my father.

Someday, I will share his story with you.

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